BROTHER DOUG

07:28 pm - A poem by George Bush...

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-Brother Doug

07:26 pm

( More Photos )

-Brother Doug

12:41 am - I'll hold you in my dreams...

I hate when I'm being completely serious, and I sound so...stupid. It's so hard to really say what I feel. Missing you isn't just the words I say when you aren't here. I can feel you missing, and it almost hurts. I can feel you like a phantom limb, and it's like a part of my chest has been torn away. I can feel how lonely my cheek is without the company of your head. There is only this hollow blank space, where I can picture you being, like a hologram. When I close my eyes, I can sometimes feel you. I think it is my body attempting to feel complete. My mind wants to fill in what it knows should be there. It wants to feel your hand on my chest, and your breath heating me neck. It wants to see your hands search for mine to get entangled with. When I say I miss you, I mean I am missing you. The same as if I were missing my hand, or missing my leg. I am missing. You.


I'm tired, but I just have to pray. I'm praying for you. Goodnight.

Current Mood: discontent

01:06 am - From my future wife...

1. Leave me a casual comment of no particular significance, like a lyric to your favorite song.
2. I will respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
3. Update your LJ with the answers to these questions.
4. Include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in your own post.
5. When others respond with a desultory comment, you will ask them five questions.

1. What is your favorite thing about living in Missouri (nothing to do with me) and why?

Everything in Missouri is to the extreme. I love beautiful things. Whether it's art, music, dancing, etc. I love it. The intensity of everything there is beautiful. It's the only place I've ever seen lightning the way I imagine it, and the only place I've ever seen snow like I picture it in my mind. The sky is the color of blue that I would paint it, as opposed to the sky in Oregon. When it rains it rains hard enough that it's fun to play in, and by the time you don't want to play in it anymore it stops. Every time we drive anywhere it's like I'm looking at a painting out the window. Like the drive to Chicago with the trees clothed in ice, or the sun setting behind Waffle House. There's enough of the scenery that God made there for it to still be amazingly beautiful in any kind of weather.

2. What are you most looking forward to about our wedding (the actual wedding, not the afterness of it) and why?


Seeing you in your wedding dress. It will be the first time I see my bride on my wedding day. I know you will be more beautiful then than you ever have been. I also know that you will feel better than you ever have. I guess it's just seeing how amazing you look on your day.

I've always had a thing for girls in white wedding dresses. It means so much.

3. What is your number one best memory you have with me and why?

That one is really hard! My mind is going through so many memories, and they are all so wonderful in different ways. I think the best memory that I have is that first time we danced in the rain. Mostly because of how I rerun it in my mind. I was falling in love with you, and that was also when I started to fall in love with Missouri. You were playful, but passionate, and it was very romantic. The rain was so the opposite of what rain usually represents. It was warm, and that still amazes me. That was also the first time I'd seen lightning in Missouri. I remember it in such vivid detail. I was looking into your eyes, and warmth was literally running over me. We were both soaking wet, which makes it automatically better. Occasionally a flash of lightning would light up the blue in your eyes. Also, the way you looked at me was...penetrating. It was beautiful.

However, my most important memory was when you read the Bible to me over the phone, because of how much that meant to me. That made me realize that the distance really doesn't matter. I absolutely want to be with you. I stopped doubting us, and that was important.

4. Would you rather touch or be touched and why?

Another hard question. In general, I'd rather touch. I'm fascinated by the way things feel. With other people I usually HATE being touched. Especially the back of my head, neck, or back. I can't even let Caitie give me a back massage, I never could. However, I've found that you're different. I think with you I'd actually prefer to be touched. I love to feel things with my hands. That's part of why I love the piano, I like the way you can feel the hammer strike when you push the keys. As much as I love touching you, I LOVE being touched by you. Especially being kissed. I love when you kiss my neck, and I really love when you kiss my fingertips. That's like...both at the same time! I think part of it is that I can control touching you. If I want to touch you, I can reach out and touch you, but I can't control being touched. If you touch me, it's because YOU want to. I'm not taking that feeling, it's being given to me.

5. If you had to pick one thing that you wish I did/did more often, what would it be and why?

One thing I wish you did, is to simply hold my hands and pray when things get tough. I know that often at those times it's hard for you even to tell me what's going on, but if you could just take my hands, close your eyes and pray, out loud or not, then I could pray with you.Or even when nothing is wrong, we can thank God for everything that's right. If I could have one thing, that would be it.

Current Mood: awake

08:02 am

I slept four hours before I woke up...with blood all over my face and pillow. Aparently, my blood clots came out in my sleep. Now my face hurts really bad. Kirsten, I need you.

I'm so fucking pissed.

Current Mood: aggravated

02:57 am - *sigh*

Current Mood: frustrated

01:43 am - AAAH!!! ELTON JOHN!!!

I just saw Elton John from the front row!

( If you read Kirsten's don't bother to proceed...otherwise do! )

07:03 pm

I can't believe I just did that. I just keep fucking myself over and over.

I just can't handle being touched right now.

*sigh*

I'm so confused.

04:04 pm - Descriptive Essay

Sitting on this cold concrete step that I seem to be all too familiar with, I come to realize the nothing that I am. The night’s assortment of shades of gray shows only an outline of our man-made wilderness; however, standing in front of me is God’s most beautiful creation, a tree. It stands so tall and strong, casting a shadow from the rising moon onto my frail form, curled in my dark corner. This magnificent, ancient oak has black shadows crawling up and down every twist and turn. He’s the kind of tree that I can’t help but respect like an elder, and listen to his wisdom. He has always been there, and I know he always will be. Not even my closest friends can be that constant. I know that I am not that dependable. I wish I were a tree.
The oak’s life is marked with perfect tranquility. He finds contentment in his solitude, and stands tall and confident while people ignorantly pass him by. To them he is only a tree, camouflaged by their apathy. He holds no grudges, for he knows he will be noticed when the clouds tear open and pour out their rain from a putrid sky, when the only shelter is the cover of a lonesome tree. Finally his beauty will be recognized. When the sun is born over the distant horizon, beginning the singing torment of a Missouri summer’s day, the shade from the wise old oak is everyone’s refuge. Why can’t I be like that? Why can’t I be the comfort of my fellow man? Their shelter? Their wise old oak? I want to reach out to them with my branches and let the world know safety in my embrace. I wish I were a tree.
I am an artist. My whole life is based around the creation of beauty, but I am not beautiful. Year after year, I come to this place, and remember what true beauty is. When the world comes alive with color, and the old oak changes his clothing, I see the beauty that no man can create. The green of his leaves gets washed out by an array of reds and yellows. The blaze of captivating leaves is accompanied by the sound of fire made by the dry leaves crackling under the feet of men and women as they pass him by. This is beauty. Not only does he become a plethora of radiance, but he also decorates the ground beneath him, and the faces of passersby.
Strength, shelter, shade, unconditioned support, and a world of natural beauty. And we claim to be made in God’s image? We are delicate, small, self-loving, selfish, and flawed. I have none of the traits of my creator. Contrast makes me see what we all really are. I wish I were tree.

01:13 am

Lord, hear me
You’ve brought me here
given me everything
i’ve asked for strength
You’ve given me that same strength
in life’s darkest hour
beside me You’ve always stood
i’ve never been there for You
like You are
now this
You’ve delivered perfection
she smiles and she laughs
she cries
she sighs
you’ve given me the night
i don’t understand it
You’ve given me a love
a strong love
that loves me back
passionately
endlessly
perfectly

God
is
love

thank you

Current Mood: optimistic

01:55 am - The Man...ning!

Hey Kirsten,

I'm sad that I didn't get to talk to you tonight, but I was busy making this:



I figured your new house could use some extra decoration. Unfortunately, it's too big for me to take it on the plane. I'll have to get the 'rentals to mail it to you. I'm also not too thrilled about my mom waking up tomorrow to find that I've sort of destroyed 3 of her her black sharpies. :S

Oh well, as long as you like it, I really don't care.

3 days!

Current Mood: artistic

05:51 am - I'M SO EXCITED!

A week from right now, I will have just taken off!!!

Just thought I'd share.

12:06 am

A year ago today I was so anxious just to see you. I spent most of the night going over seeing you walk up to me in my head, and what I would say. One year later I find myself just as anxious to see you. Now I stand here alone, knowing that home is just down that aisle.I look around to see everyone together. First I see your mother, the one who helped us make everything look this perfect. She made everything so much easier, and was so comforting. Next to her is my mother. She is pretending she is fine, but I know she's not. I'm her baby. Next to her is my father. He's the one that's crying. I've always been the most like him, and I know he will miss me. I can't look at him crying or I'll start to cry. I can't cry, nothing has even happened yet. There are my brothers, across the aisle from hers. Jared dressed up...he looks good.

It's time.

The music starts, but I don't hear it...I'm transfixed on the figure coming around the corner. There goes my heart, racing away and taking my breath with it. I feel my body go weak as that peaceful flame travels up my spine. You're beautiful. Your white dress flows to the ground with the elegance of the angels. I know you has every right to wear that white dress, as perfect and pure as you is. Your eyes are focused and secured on me, just like I can do nothing but gaze at you. Coming up to where I am, I take your hands in mine while never breaking contact with your eyes. I let out a whisper and tell you that you're beautiful, bacause that's all that is in my mind.

I do.

Finally I get that kiss. That first kiss as one. I don't want it to end, but it has to. I take your hand in mine, and walk you back down the aisle. I pass our families, and don't even notice the tears. All I can see is you. We're not just going on a walk together, but a life together. I know you will always walk beside me. I can't help it, I have to lean over and kiss you again when we get to the end of the aisle.

I love you.

12:04 am - I didn't steal it...they said I could, so they kind of gave it to me...

I want anyone and everyone who reads this to comment saying something they'd like to do with me someday.

Then, if you want, post this in your journal to find out what I want to do with you.

Current Mood: good

07:13 am - Independence Day

Do you see the beauty of the day?
Bombs lighting the sky behind the flag of freedom

Freedom

The day we are free from out past
We break off from our roots
To enter our home

Home

More than a place we were born to
But a place we chose
A place we never want to leave
The place for which I am longing

Longing

I long for this day more than any
I long for our obligations to be to each other
Only to each other
I long for freedom
I long for independence

Independence

I see its beauty
I want this day
It takes way too long for a year to pass
For our life to change
For our life to start
I can’t wait for our Independence Day

Current Mood: content

02:12 am

Beauty and the Beast opened yesterday. It was a wonderful performance! I am so glad I got to do this show!!

Today there was a critic review in the Columbia River Reader by Ned Piper. I thought I would share it:

( The Review )

Only 6 shows left!

Current Mood: awake

05:53 pm

I take this time to stop and think
You’re almost here
I’ve been waiting so long
For what is almost here
I’ll see you smile again
I’ll hold you again
I’ll grasp your hands again
I’ll kiss you again
This way overdue awakening of my senses

*sigh*

I want to take you in again
…and I will

I wish I had time to feel you more
I wish I could be more

I miss you

Current Mood: loved

08:13 pm

Hey everyone!

I was going to apply for this scholarship, but then I found out that my friend Amber applied, and I decided that she deserves to get it much more than I do. Amber Meeker is AMAZING, and if you read the essay that she submitted, you'll probably understand why I say that. Furthermore, you'll see why I think that she deserves this scholarship.

Amber has overcome more than anyone that I know, and I would like to help her in any way that I can. She always has a smile on her face, and always lifts everyone's spirits that she comes in contact with. The reason I am saying this is that the scholarship that she applied for is one that is won by having other people vote for her online. I am urging all of you to vote for Amber. I believe that if we got enough people to vote for her, we may actually have a chance. It only takes like 5 minutes, so please, vote for Amber...

http://www.collegetoolkit.com/ScholarshipContest/Vote.aspx?U=meeker

Thank you,

-Doug Weaver

09:49 pm

( Some recent drawings... )

05:21 pm - Beauty is in the eyes of the mind

Fluid surges through my veins
With strength once again
I've found my feet, attained my head
So let the rain fall again
Let my breath be washed away
Outstretched arms show no tears
These long lost chills
Crawling throughout my spine
Feel the freedom
Freshest breath
Here I am
My world painted beautifully
I plead, let me paint your sky once more
Voice, it permeates
Song stands still, and I
I love
I hope
I pray
I see
With head bowed, and hands stretched
Here is my heartbeat

Current Mood: peaceful